January 17, 2012

THE LITTLEST ONE

our little glow
This littlest one is so good. Actually, they were all pretty good as babies. Not overly fussy, easy to console, and all they loved to do was eat, sleep, and get loved on. God was quite gracious to me in that regard, seeing how close in age all of them are.

Glow has been sleeping most nights for two weeks now, but somehow I still wake up quite exhausted in the mornings. I have done the cry it out method with all the girls to get them to learn to sleep through the night, but this one probably doesn't need it. In the mornings, I get her and put her in my bed to feed her, she does this happy giggle. It is the sweetest thing. This gal is such a giggler!

I know I am quite blessed to be able to mother these four girls, but I can't say I am always happy pappy about it. Trust me, there are tons of hard moments. We were having dinner last night and I was telling Ben that I just feel angry. Not necessarily at anyone or anything in particular, but just angry and at times it manifests in being cranky towards the girls (or at each other). We continued to discuss that he feels that way too and sometimes the things that makes us happy are just zoning out online reading about the Spurs (for him) or online window shopping (for me). That's quite terrible that those things give us peace and calm us down!

I think for me, so much stems from lack of believing God is better than all. I believe having this new dress will make me happier, or having a clean house will make me feel better, or if the girls just were obedient all the time it would be easier. I have been finding my joy in the wrong things. Christ is the only thing that can truly satisfy me and I want to want Him above all things. That is my prayer.

I am not a perfect mom. I don't have everything together. My girls aren't always perfectly dressed. Heck! Some days they don't even brush their teeth. Some days they tell me I am terrible. I am a horrible listener and Ben gets frustrated with that. I yell. I cry. Sometimes, I don't even know what to do. I get frustrated that I easily get frustrated. I try to control too much. I can never get caught up with laundry and I am always behind on emails. I love my children and husband, but I am also quite selfish. I was texting my struggles with someone from our church family and she reminded me this, Christ died so I don't have to be perfect. That truth is something I don't live out all the time, but I am so thankful for it!

This post didn't mean to turn into a novel, but these are just some ruminations of my heart. If you think I have got it all together, you got it wrong. I am messier than you think (or that is shown in this space)! All I am or am able to do is because of God, so I need to live each day knowing and depending on that.

59 comments:

  1. I love hearing other people say these things, I think most of us feel alone in our struggles. I am always angry at how easily frustrated I get, which ticks me off immensely! Just knowing how merciful and gracious God is calms me down..and I'm so thankful for a husband who still loves me when I'm acting crazy :).

    Tracy

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  2. I've been lurking around for a few months, but I just had to de-lurk to tell you "THANKS" for posting this. I am totally having the same things right now and it's just nice to know I'm not alone. Every morning is a new opportunity to die to myself and serve my family. What a great God we have!

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  3. Hello Rubyellen,

    We have a church member who says this when it doesn't go/is perfect;

    You know, perfect you will be in heaven!

    When it is things that aren't perfect, it puts them in the right perspective (those things... you can't take them with you to heaven, and you don't need them! Cause it will be perfect!). I find it harder when it is me, that isn't perfect. I am trying to not do things my own way, but Gods way, and His strength through me, and whatever happens then, I can safely leave it with him. Because I did the best I could, namely; His will and in His power! That is enough! I have to say that a hundred times a day to myself though...

    Love, Tabitha

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  4. Such good words. :) I'm so glad you shared.

    (I love her little luchador shirt!!)

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  5. this sure isn't heaven! But there is beauty in lacking, for He will suffice.

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  6. i haven't read the whole post and i have to go now. NAP TIME!!!! BUT since you are talking about Glow. i remember you using the hypnobirth method. did you write about her birth? hopefully not since i check your site and i don't remember reading about it. anyways, if you haven't. i am quite excited to read how this birth experience went for you! ^_^

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  7. It is funny that people think being a SAHM is easy! It is joyous, difficult, fulfilling and the only thing we want to do, but it is NOT easy. I am so guilty of trying to be a perfect mom as well, give your worries to god, he'll take on all of them. ;)

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  8. I know how you feel. I recently read
    this post and LOVED it. It isn't realistic to think that we will love every moment of mothering. But there are moments so lovely that they propel us forward. We just need to cherish those moments.

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  9. I don't know, having it all together seems pretty boring! I say that because i'm a mess myself! You're not alone, and how wonderful that we have a God who wants to take that load for us, he is our refuge!

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  10. Ruby-

    This is exactly where my heart is right now. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  11. togetherness is a false perception, none of us have it and those who claim they do are out to impress others. life is not perfect hence sin. this is something i constantly remind myself off and tell Zoe. perfection makes us rely more on ourselves then on God. that's why the Lord uses all our imperfections to help others and to realize how much we need him. He is sooo good that way :).

    As always love your honesty. Will say a prayer for you and your super cute familia!

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  12. thought I would share this with you:

    http://vimeo.com/33690002

    it helped me to remember that God always provides. Give thanks to Him in everything, we can do nothing on our own, and He wants us to give all things to Him and to carry our burdens. Rest in His grace. God is good! :) Sure enjoy your blog.

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  13. debsfreckles- i so needed that. it made me cry! it reiterates my feelings so perfectly. i love her description of this time.

    everyone must read it: http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/

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  14. You are just a normal mom at home !! Keep going with God in focus !!! I so like your blog !

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  15. There are days that are better than others.
    DH and i are trying to refocus this year as well. We, as well, are happier through material stuff. So not good. :/
    I would most certainly not change it a bit though. The girls drive me crazy at time but i have to stop myself and think, "how my life will be without them?" oh... and the thought it is just plain sad. They complete me.
    Know that we are all there with you. Motherhood is one of the most challenging thing a woman can do.

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  16. I feel exactly the same way! We were just talking about be tempted by "things" in this life at Bible study and being the perfect mother, wife, friend, sister, everything just isn't possible, and it isn't expected either...(from me maybe). He did die for me and I will be forgiven of my imperfections, so beautiful! Love hearing I'm not the only one with chaos in my life:) Everyday is a new day!

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  17. Hi Ruby,
    I'm a big fan of your crafts and even bigger fan of your kids. They're lucky to have you as a mommy.

    Anyway, thought I'd share this podcast with you - Why Parents are Unhappy The gals over at Happiness Matters really has helped me stay positive when it comes to parenting. We're not perfect and no one expects us to be.
    :)

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  18. I happened upon your blog for the 1st time today (1/17/12) through Pinterest & after reading through today's post, I must say that I can totally relate. I get so caught up at times & confess to carrying around some anger, bitterness, etc, but I believe we've just allowed our lives to become too full of non-important things. God/Christ should be 1st in ALL things. Thank you for the reminder! I will be following your blog from now on!

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  19. What an awesome post to read to start out my day! I'm not a mom yet, but I can totally relate to forgetting that God is truly the source of all our hope and joy. I often take defeat/success in life to0 seriously in regards to how it affects my character. Praise Jesus that he loves us whether we have it all together or not!

    P.s. Glow's hair is SO adorable.

    xoxoKelsey.

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  20. it's so refreshing when you see the bloggers you follow share these things, because most of the time it appears that they have it all together. i think that is something we all do though, something we put forward, that we have it all together. i understand your struggle with being easily frustrated and frustrated that you're easily frustrated, i'm that way too. haha and also with putting your happiness into object such as that new dress or adorable must have scarf, thats tricky too. i'm about to become a new mom along with my hubby in april and it's my prayer to be more in the word and teach our little boy to not look to earthly things for happiness and to be an example of that along the way. prayers your way for peace and calm in these situations :)

    xo lacey
    placeswewillgoblog.blogspot.com

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  21. I was just thinking as I was waiting for your blog to load, "I really like my cakies blog...why am I drawn to it more than others I read?" And I decided that it was because you are real about your short comings and you yell at times and you tell us that. And then, what do I get in your blog today but one of the real glimpses into your real and messy life. I see that you love the Lord but struggle with putting your knowledge of God's grace and mercy into practice. ME TOO! Your writing so resonates with me...thank you for being transparent. Keep fighting the good fight...our flesh is so weak, isn't it?!?

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  22. I can definitely relate to believing the lie that things (or cleanliness) will bring me contentment. I have not been seeking him for peace or joy. Thanks for being so honest amd relatable!

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  23. girl, you rock! we need more honesty like yours. you are so very brave to be so real and raw. most blogs i read are just pretty to look at, but your blog is pretty and it is real. we all love and appreciate you more for confirming that we are all the same, we struggle but we try. and at the end of the day all the matters is the we know that we are only human and that we managed to live through another day. so take it easy on yourself, know that you are doing your best and that those sweet little girls love you no matter what.

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  24. I can definitely relate to your "angry" feeling -- not anyone or anything an particular, the feeling is just there. I also believe that God is at the center of all things and if we put Him first, we allow Him to strengthen us and comfort us in every area of our life. I also believe that as mothers, especially to young ones who demand so much of our time and our whole selves, we have to seek out those things that make US who we are, those things that inspire us and make our heart sing. When I get those angry feelings, it's usually a reminder to me that I need to do something for myself, it can be as simple as taking a bath, reading a book or magazine for a few minutes, or giving myself a time-out. Giving myself time to breathe, helps me calm down and then I can be a better mommy and wife!

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  25. i love your blog and your honesty- thank you so much for sharing this!

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  26. Thank you for being real in your post today and it was such an encouragement to my heart. Praise God He doesn't judge us on our own merits and hearing people confess putting trust in things of this world is such a reminder to check my own heart.

    I've been reading your blog for ages and am pretty sure I've never posted.... but was encouraged to say "thanks for the good word" today!

    Press hard into the Lord, mama! Love your blog and the ways it encourages me to be a better, more present mom and wife to my little family.

    Lindsey

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  27. Thank you SO much for posting this. It's good to know that me and my partner aren't the only ones feeling that way. I appreciate you being real with your blog readers. I LOVE your blog and adore your darling family! Thank you!!

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  28. I really needed to read this post today. sometimes I get lost in the day to day and I feel that time is just jetting by oh so fast and there is nothing I can do about it. I get frustrated with my son and I sometimes just wish that if he was better behaved everything would be better. But like you said, I need to put stock in God, not in others. Thanks for the honesty.

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  29. Thank you for your honesty.

    Like you I have 4 little ones ages 5 and under and I have days just like you. Actually most days have been pretty crazy lately with school holidays on!

    Thankyou for the reminder that Christ does not expect perfection. Something I struggle with daily!

    Blessings!
    Jess xx

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  30. Thanks for sharing this! Last week, my pastor preached on godly womanhood, and I was so challenged by it, and so aware of how far I fall from it. It's so good to know, though, that Jesus fills the gap of our shortcomings and sin!

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  31. i hear you loud and clear- ME TOO on all of it! the things i think will make me happy- even if they are good- like living more simply and sustainably- they are not the things to base my happiness on. on Christ the solid rock i stand. all other ground is sinking sand. sinking sand.

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  32. We just had our third in July and I hear ya. All of it.

    Hang in there, bud. :)

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  33. I just read in my prayer book "if you want to be perfect, give up all your possessions and follow me"

    easier said than done

    I am so thankful to be Catholic and have the gift of confession. I basically confessed THIS POST to my priest on Saturday. Just in my own words. But the anger...I GET IT...I FEEL it....and I feel ashamed of it.
    I want to serve with JOY, but sadly, I also expect the praise.

    we are all works in progress
    beautiful and flawed
    it is ok

    Keep on keeping on
    continue to trust in Him
    wake up and offer your day to God...every trial, struggle, and giggle
    and pray with CONFIDENCE...knowing that what you ask will be granted

    and FYI...your darkness is magnificent!
    it always in your own darkness that you shine a light for another

    LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE!

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  34. I really enjoy reading your blog. Your family is beautiful. Your post really touched my heart. I felt like you described ME exactly. I have three boys the oldest just turned 5, and number 4 is on the way! I get so easily upset, yell, get angry way to often, get frustrated and then get frustrated for getting frustrated, cry, and then repeat it all over again. I just wish the kids would behave!!! And then each night I zone out in front of the computer, day dreaming about pretty dresses, or living on a farm, or just reading blogs. I too am trying to draw closer to Christ, and not just at the end of the day, but while the chaos is swirling around me trapping me into it's frantic whirl! I guess us mama's just have to take things one small moment at a time. Good luck!

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  35. Hi Ruby! Thank you for this post...Your strength as a mother is AMAZING. I struggle now with one baby, the fact that you are able to do this with four, amazes me every day!

    Cant wait to see you again!

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  36. great, great post...
    it's so awesome to read this things.
    not to know that you're struggling, in particular,
    but to know more that i am not alone.
    i think this is the most wonderful thing about blogging.
    this honest good stuff.
    life isn't easy... it ain't perfect.
    and this sharing of the tough makes it that much sweeter b/c we know Christ covers the multiples of our sins/shames.
    oh what a friend we have in Jesus!!!
    we're blessed... so very blessed.
    so, thanks for sharing this.
    it's what i needed.
    b/c, heck, i'm not perfect either.
    just forgiven!

    :)
    love ya!
    thanks for sharing your heart!

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  37. <3.
    i always love these posts.
    thank you for sharing, always!

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  38. beautiful!!! and i can so relate. motherhood is so hard and i feel like i can always do better. i too need to turn to my Savior more. thanks for the reminder.

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  39. thank you all for your encouragement. motherhood is tough. i don't want to give you a false idea of my life by just blogging about the happy. there is indeed lots of happy, but there is lots of hard too. i battle it daily. i love all my girls and am glad we have a big family, but it sure does come with lots of trials! it's part of life and i just gotta learn from it, grow from it, and trust God through it.

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  40. I can't say I relate to the God thing, having never been religious, but I can relate to the frustration of motherhood, of feeling like I'm failing sometimes. For me, it's the biggest challenge there is.

    I've got baby #3 on the way, my little wildcard, the one who will alter our sturdy nuclear family of four. I guess I must thrive on the chaos, just a little :) Thanks for the honesty - it's really appreciated. I think it's a very valuable thing when women can just be honest with each other.

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  41. I appreciate your honesty. It's easy to look at bloggers as perfect Supermom's, so it's always nice to see the real side of things. I find it encouraging to know that none of us moms are perfect. We all have our ups and our downs. Thanks for being real!

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  42. i love the ruminations of your heart! you're a B.A. mom! if you get my drift! i spilled some of mine on my blog too!! love you!!!!

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  43. I am so thankful I took time for myself this morning to read this special post.... I had been feeling all alone for awhile now and full of anger too! I also have four daughter's and a husband that is usually away much of the time with work! I have been feeling very angry with bitterness because of feeling left alone to raise our family all by myself, I have had a very hard time accepting it. You are not alone, I can so relate to everything you said, and thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this!!!!! I am so Thankful God is always here for us, if not I could not take another day, no matter how much my family means to me, I need God to be my Rock!!!! xoxoxo

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  44. I remember my first revelation about how there are far more hard times than happy times with my kids (and they were good kids) and being upset about it. Kids are HARD work (if you're doing it right)!
    With each year, you'll find it gets a little easier or a little different, it constantly changes and you need those outlets to get you through. I just started reading again, something I haven't done in a long time.
    I love your honesty.

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  45. Thank you for being honest and letting me know that I'm not the only one who has those kind of days/moments/life!!!
    And thank you for turning my eyes back to God x

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  46. oh honey!!! bless your heart! no one is perfect!!! and i cant imagine how hard it is to have 4 small children, please dont understimate that job!!! you probably just need a little break. when glow gets a little bit older maybe you can leave them with grandparents and you and ben go see a movie, have dinner, or just take a nap!!! you just keep on keeping on and things will get better!!!

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  47. Trust me, it's not just you! Here's a blog post by a friend of mine that I enjoyed and thought you might, too:
    http://www.pipsylou.blogspot.com/2012/01/sometimes-golden-years-just-make-you.html

    "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
    Phil.4:13

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  48. Hi Ruby!

    What a wonderful post. I too have many days like the days that you've mentioned & I only have one little one! It's a comfort to know that God's love is unconditional and He can show his strength through our imperfections.

    Thank you for being so honest & for sharing your heart on this subject. It is so encouraging!

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  49. We will never change until we see how messy we are. I have just realized how independent I still am even though husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. I still want to take control and be the one leading the charge--now that I am finally realizing, accepting and finding out where that comes from God can change it. God's grace is so good. Praying for you and all the mommas/wives who are trying to fully rely on God. Oh, and I have been meaning to recommend 1,000 gifts to you if you haven't heard of it. I think you would really love it. It is a great read. :)

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  50. I read this when you posted it but was on the go and really wanted to be able to sit down and write you back (so not good on my Kindle yet!). I think everyone feels this way. Goodness knows some days I feel a whole lot more anger and frustration than anything akin to joy. I take it moment by moment. If I catch myself being a grumpy pants, I compose myself and apologize to my girls. I apologize a lot. Then I tell them we're starting a new day and we start from scratch with big grins on our faces. They love that =) You're an amazing mother, know that and hold that dear. This, what you feel, what you're going through, what we all go through - that's real, day to day motherhood. Two things you should read. First, this post which has been circulating the web. She says it so perfectly what we all need to hear: http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/ Then this because it's just so damn funny and moms can always use a laugh: http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/10/we-call-these-ytrh-posts-yes-this-really-happened/ I come to your blog to brighten and inspire my own mothering days, to remember to look for beauty and simplicity in my days. Thank you =)

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  51. Thanks for this. I always appreciate honesty.
    Just letting you know I can totally relate. You're a terrific mom; go easy on yourself!

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  52. oh Ruby, how I love you! This post was exactly what I needed, and exactly my heart at this moment. In my life, it's my devotion, or lack thereof to have a devotional time, which I so desperately need, yet go to far lengths to avoid and think I'll find it "unwinding" in front of a computer screen. I was just thinking last night about how each evening I need to go to my room, leave everyone to do what they are doing, and just fall down at my Father's feet and pour out my heart... one that is so very selfish, one that needs to surrender completely, and one that needs healing from anger that has been pent up from who knows what. Thank you again for your transparency and allowing God to use you to speak to me also <3

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  53. thank you so much for being human!

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  54. Wow, thanks for this honest post. I have enjoyed reading your blog, and I appreciate your willingness to show you are human too. As a Mom at home w/little ones also, I needed to hear that other Moms feel like this too- and I need to re examine the things that give me peace and calm when I'm having a tough day. What a good question to ask myself: do I believe God is better than all? I say I do but what are those comforts I turn to when I should turn to Him? Convicting. And encouraging too.

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  55. "Christ died so I don't have to be perfect." amen!!! ...He alone is the only perfect one. I'm so glad and thankful for his grace that he so lavishes on us and that His mercies are new every morning.

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  56. Wonderful post! I love your honesty here.

    My husband and I often go through the same things. We zone out because we need a BREAK doggone it! LOL!

    But, I guess no one has it ALL together. I surely don't. We do the best we can. I thank God that he is merciful and a helper!

    BTW: Loving your blog! I also have been blogging for a while too, but I was kind of fizzing out on my motivation to keep it going. But, your blog has rekindled my motivation and given me some new ideas (i hope you don't mind if I use some) for how to make my blog interesting, meaningful, and fun! Thank you and God bless!

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  57. I know this is a late comment but I am desperate for some advice...I have a 4 month old baby, he is my 4th and I am struggling with letting him cry it out...at night he refuses to sleep inhis crib and wants to nurse in bed all night...when I try to put him in his crib he cries for over an hour and doesn't settle down...I can take it for longer than that!
    The reason I want him to sleep in his crib is that my hubby and I need alone time and I work two nites a week and this makes it hard on him when I am gone!
    I have enjoyed reading your blog for awhile now and have gained respect for your honesty for you as a mom...hence why I have come to ask for words of wisdom...hopefully

    Thanks,
    Mae (momma to Malena 8, Henry 6, Will 2
    And Ethan 4 mos)

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    Replies
    1. hi mae!

      i am no pro, but send me an email and i can let you know what we did!

      mycakies(at)gmail(dot)com

      Delete

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